7 Ways to Find Your People (When You Feel Like You Don’t Belong)

One out of ten people don’t understand what I’m doing.

I’ll talk about The Meaning Movement, what I write about, the work I do one-on-one with people, and they’ll just stare at me for a moment and blink. Then they either change the subject or say, “So… you’re a life coach?”

“Sure,” I’ll say. “A very specific kind of coach.”

Eight out of those ten people will get it and think it’s pretty cool. They’ll ask questions, and we’ll end up talking about how my ideas of work and meaning intersect with what they do.

But then there’s that last person. That blessed final one out of ten. As I talk about what I do, immediately her eyes widen. Our conversation turns electric.

She doesn’t simply understand what I’m talking about at an intellectual level— it resonates much deeper than that. She gets it. She really gets it.

In her, I’ve found one of my people.

Here’s the honest truth: you can’t be everything to everyone. Some people won’t get what you’re about and the work you do. That’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with them or you because of it.

But finding the people who do get it? That changes everything. And it’s harder than any listicle makes it sound.

Because finding your people isn’t really about socializing better or showing up at more events. It’s about getting clear on who you actually are— and then having the courage to let that person be visible.

Here are seven ways I’ve seen this work, both in my own life and in the hundreds of people I’ve coached through purpose and calling.

1. Get honest about what you actually care about

Most people skip this step entirely. They try to find their people before they know what they stand for.

I can’t tell you how many coaching conversations I’ve had where someone says, “I just want to find my community,” and when I ask what matters most to them, they freeze. They’ve spent so long performing for the people around them that they’ve lost track of their own values.

Before you can find your people, you have to know what your “thing” is. Not your job title. Not your hobby. The deeper current underneath.

For me, it was meaning and purpose in work. For you, it might be creativity, justice, adventure, building things, or healing. Whatever it is, name it. Write it down. That’s your compass.

2. Stop performing for the wrong rooms

I spent years trying to fit into spaces that weren’t mine. I still catch myself doing it sometimes.

Networking events where everyone traded business cards and talked revenue. Social gatherings where the conversation never went deeper than weekend plans. There’s nothing wrong with any of that— it just wasn’t where I belonged.

The problem isn’t that you don’t fit in. The problem is you’re trying to fit into rooms that weren’t built for you.

One of the most freeing things I tell my clients: you have permission to leave. Leave the group chat that drains you. Stop going to the meetup that feels like work. Your energy is limited, and every hour spent performing in the wrong room is an hour you’re not available for the right one.

3. Follow your curiosity into unfamiliar spaces

Your people probably aren’t where you’ve already been looking.

I found some of my closest friendships in the strangest places— a theology reading group, a trail running crew, a small business mastermind that met in someone’s living room. None of those were places I went to meet people. I went because I was genuinely curious about the thing.

That’s the key. Follow what actually interests you, especially the interests that feel a little weird or niche. The more specific the interest, the more likely the people there are your kind of people.

I’ve seen this again and again in coaching— someone follows a curiosity they’ve been ignoring, shows up somewhere they never expected to be, and within a few months they have deeper friendships than they’d built in years of doing all the “right” social things. Same person. Different room.

4. Say the thing you’re afraid to say

This is where it gets uncomfortable.

Finding your people requires vulnerability. You have to actually tell people what you care about, what you’re struggling with, what you dream about. And that’s terrifying because some people will stare at you and blink.

But that’s the filter working.

When I started talking openly about meaning and purpose— not as an abstract concept but as the thing that kept me up at night— most people politely changed the subject. But a few leaned in. Those few became my core community.

You can’t find your people while hiding behind a curated version of yourself. The real you is the signal. The more clearly you broadcast it, the more likely the right people will hear it.

5. Build something and see who shows up

Sometimes you can’t find your people because the gathering doesn’t exist yet.

When I started The Meaning Movement, I wasn’t sure anyone would care. I wrote a blog post. Then another. Slowly, people started showing up— commenting, emailing, sharing.

They weren’t people I would have found at a networking event. They found me because I built something that reflected what I cared about.

You don’t have to start a blog or a business. Host a dinner around a question you care about, or start a book club with a specific theme. Organize a monthly walk for people in your industry. Create a small container for the conversation you wish you were having.

The act of building something that matters to you is one of the most powerful magnets for finding people who share your values.

6. Accept that it’s a numbers game (and that’s ok)

Here’s the part nobody wants to hear.

Finding your people is partly out of your control. You can do everything right— get clear on your values, show up authentically, build things, take risks— and still spend a long time looking.

I think it’s about one in ten. One person out of ten will really get what you’re about. That’s the ratio I’ve experienced.

That sounds discouraging until you do the math. If you meet 50 new people this year through the spaces and activities that matter to you, that’s five people who could become part of your inner circle. Five people who truly get it. That’s more than enough.

And the relationships that matter take time. Research from the University of Kansas found it takes roughly 50 hours of interaction to move from acquaintance to casual friend— and over 200 hours to develop a close friendship. So be patient with it.

But you have to keep showing up. And you have to be ok with the nine who blink and change the subject. They’re not rejecting you. They’re just not your people.

7. Invest deeply in the ones you find

The biggest mistake I see? People find their person— that one out of ten— and they don’t invest in the relationship.

They get busy. They let weeks turn into months. They assume the connection will just sustain itself.

It won’t.

When you find someone who gets it, treat that like the rare thing it is. Send the follow-up text. Schedule the coffee. Show up consistently. Go deeper than surface-level.

These are the relationships that will sustain you through career changes, creative risks, and the moments when everyone else thinks you’re crazy.

A number of my good friends don’t read this blog. That’s fine. But the ones who do— the ones who bring up the ideas and want to talk about them— they’re the ones who make this work possible.

Finding your people is the work

I want to be honest about something: this isn’t a checklist you complete and then you’re done. Finding your people is an ongoing practice. It changes as you change. The community you need at 25 isn’t the community you need at 40.

And some seasons are lonelier than others. That’s just true.

But the effort is worth it. Because the people who see you— who really see you and get what you’re about— they make all the difference.

You can’t be everything to everyone. But your work can mean the world to someone.

Find that someone. Then find a few more.

I believe in you.

To those of you who are that one out of ten for me: thank you. Every share, every comment, every email to a friend. All of it matters. More than you know.